This week has been chock full of lessons, awareness, and detachments. That sounds so cryptic but it is the only way to explain this last week or so. To truly understand, I have to cycle backwards.
I few weeks ago the DH, my youngest daughter and I were in a car accident. We had no fault in the accident and since have been going to therapy and what not. During the course of therapy it was realized I had neural damage. I was sent for a battery of tests, all of which, confirmed the first suspicion. Turns out I have three herniated discs. One is severely prolapsed at L5-S1 and two other at L3 and L4 (vertebrae for those who may not understand the abbreviations). One has a lateral tear as well. This has led to 3 weeks off work, struggling due to necessity, to force myself into classes on Mondays for 10 hour days to prevent failing out this semester. It has also led to more visits to more specialists. The next coming on Thursday with a neurological doctor to decide if surgery is the best option. the way my ears hear it, it sounds kind of like a cackling witch bestowing a predetermined declaration that surgery is THE way to go. I imagine that explains the awareness in this circumstance.
As for lessons and detachments, they seem to have been delivered to me hand in hand. And with them, a different level of awareness. I’ve learned that many people are under the impression that sarcasm or adding a ha-ha on the end of comments somehow makes them not sideways insults and to my amazement, even funny. I have to say I disagree. Being a smart ass filled with a flair for the sarcastic, I cannot say I have ever intentionally went out of my way to use sarcasm either to slip in an insult or hurt another. Intentionally, that is. I am sure unintentionally I may have but for all my faults and shortcomings I quickly realize my error and do my best to make an apology. I’ve learned others prefer to act as though it never happened, hoping maybe you’ll forget or maybe they are unaware that their inability to recognize what they’ve done and seek you out for a simple ” hey I am sorry if that came out wrong” just makes the sarcasm slightly more crushing to the person. Unfortunately, that doesn’t sit well with me. It turns on my auto-detach switch (also known as, bitch switch), which means if I see you and you speak first, I’ll civilly give a Hi and Bye, but anything more than that is going to be a long time in coming. I suppose, I am not that advanced a human being that I can just say it meant nothing and I didn’t even notice it really.
The second instance of lessons and detachment was delivered to me by someone I hold very near and dear to my heart. I suppose this makes the lesson just that much harder to accept and understand, and the detachment though necessary, is painful to say the least. This lesson taught me that old cliche` about leading a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. Oh, and that other one, you cannot help those who are not ready to see they need help. Whether they get it on their own or allow you to help them get the needed help and guidance they so desperately need. So, as a result, I had to force myself to say what I meant and mean what I said. As conflicting as it is for me to have to stick to this mentality, it has to be this way. I can no longer endure the waiting for the other shoe to be slammed against the wall which signals the cycle of insanity has once more begun. Some people just need to learn on their own that your words were not said in vain but said out of love for them. I also learned, that it simply isn’t fair to me to continue relationships with people, no matter how dear I hold them to my heart, if they are determined to live in nothing more than cyclic events of insanity and impose it upon those around them. Some simply are not at a level of emotional intelligence to realize the rippling effects their behavior has on those around them. They’ve no idea how draining and exhausting it is. And they’ve certainly no idea how destructive they are being to themselves, others, and their relationships.
All that said, I have to admit that I learned along time ago detachment was a coping mechanism for me. It allows the space and time needed to let those not meant or fit to be in my life to move on of their own accord. It allows me the time to reflect and forgive, even if the relationship is changed and never, once I allow myself to, reaches the level it once was. I suppose this all lends itself to the breaking and rebuilding of trust and just how important trust is in life on every level. I suppose trust is a trait that was fractured for me early on in life, however, i have done my best to be more trusting though I am no Thich Nhat Hahn. I learned early on to detach when trust was broken. I’ve tried to tone that down as I get older and that has been successful to an extent. It has allowed me not to be a grudge holder. It has allowed me not to take every slight as a reason for permanent detachment. Recently, though, I am having to revisit and re-evaluate with people I deal or have dealt with the level of detachment needed to ensure my well being.
The thread that runs through this entire theme though is me. I am learning awareness of new things going on with my medical circumstance as well as with those I deal with on the many different levels of relationships. Friendships are such wonderful things, as is family. The soft spot for one to fall when things are hard. The place you can express your thoughts and have them understood despite the chaotic way you may explain your feelings. And I, having lived a life depending on myself, first and foremost, for the next right thing to do, even when I did the next wrong thing- am relearning that forgiveness does not mean retreating on your values and personal boundaries. It does not mean accepting the unacceptable from friend, foe, or family just for the sake of saying I forgave. And to recognize how one (forgiveness & detachment) is incumbent upon another is simply awareness, threefold. And I am accepting and reclaiming my ability to detach as long as I leverage it with intelligence, awareness, and forgiveness in a manner that best serves my emotional stability and growth in life.
I learned these past weeks I cannot stop someone else’s hurtful behavior or insanity no matter how much I’d like to and that forgiveness means moving forward and standing by your personal beliefs, boundaries, and values. Detachment simply allows the ability to not be drug back into the insanity of letting yourself be hurt continuously by others. And today, I am taking back my ability to detach for the best interest of myself and others and to couple it with forgiveness. Pairing forgiveness with detachment is not a safegaurd, it is a life lesson. And I think I am going to honor the detachment ability I learned long ago but had let fall to the way side and forge it with forgiveness. Allowing me the peace to move on and allowing others the ability to either learn their lessons on their own or be who they are with others who find such behaviors attractive.
Some are going to find me unyielding in my words and actions, either learning to accept them or move on. Others may be hurt, but what is, must be. Who would have known awareness, detachment, and forgiveness were all family?
© Copyright 2013, Copyrighted.com Heather M. as Divine Chaos All Rights Reserved
Photo Credit : Sketch XXIII by Charlie Bowater