Lately I have done a lot of work on my self talk and improving upon a damn near perfect person. Alright, I am exaggerating there, but if I don’t say it, who will? Anyhoo, I digress. I have come to realize that my personality type, INFJ, just does not support being an idle talker. I like to listen to people and analyze their thought patterns, verbage, and behaviors. I find I am quite content to just sit and listen due to the things I am able to extrapolate from people and their actions.
I used to find myself trying to engage in conversations that I could care less about to appear friendly. The truth is though, that is fake. However, this summer I have found the rays of sunshine that peek through the clouds by finding the friend within rather than searching and then being disappointed by the friends without. I find I don’t need a voluminous list of friends; only a select few who get me and are totally alright with who I am and who I am not. Do not misunderstand, I really do like people. I just prefer a deeper connection rather than superficial and base level civilities. I’d prefer to have friends over acquaintances. And that is what brought me through the low hanging clouds in my mind. The type of clouds that tempt you to complain about the lack of sunshine and not seeing them as protection from July’s thick heat.
I was driving myself to find friends. Applying my own expectations on the relationships to become lasting friendships. Honestly, it just doesn’t happen that way. Most won’t like you for some or no reason. Some will pretend only to glean gossip to spread to their “real” friends. Others will lull you into a false sense of friendship only to one day leave you questioning what you could have done wrong to garner their sudden distancing. In the end though I came to the conclusion that real friends will find me. That realization stopped the oh-shit-it’s-gonna-be-a-70%-chance-of-rain-today mentality.
Being an only child that brought up in a home fueled by dysfunction, I found myself always searching for friends and family outside of my home base. I have carried this childish habit into my adult years and though I have realized this very thing before, this summer is the first time I have been truly accepting of the fact. And by accepting it I have changed it. I am different and can sustain on my own without a plethora of friends and that’s quite liberating. I have come to terms with the fact that if someone doesn’t care for me that it’s alright. I don’t have to be a people pleaser. I can be a me pleaser instead. I can be my friend. I can find solace in those who truly love me for me. I can find myself through thoughts,actions, growth, reading, and writing.
I guess the bottom line to this post is that it is unobjectionable to be exactly who are you. NO apologies and efforts re needed to change who you are today and who you are yet to become. Today, I am proud of who I am. Though the day may be cloudy through the haze there is respite from the sun’s blaze. Though it may rain the brown hue of death turns green with vitality and the joy of puddles can be found in adulthood as they once were in childhood. The external and internal scars have made me who I am and quite frankly those who don’t see the real me are missing out because I am one damn fine woman. So take that with you. You too are damn fine.
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