It occurred to me that many may not understand the nom de plume I choose to write under, Divine Chaos. So, I figure I’ll explain, it may offer insight into who I am and how I come to what you see posted within this blog.
A little over a decade ago, I started making major changes in my life. Some changes were intentional and deliberate others just happened. I began reflecting upon situations and people who made me feel some kind of way in my past. I began evaluating my behavior, actions, and parts I had played in my downfall. This was not a good time to know me– I was a complete bish.
I grew up with little parenting, in fact, to say I received a little is being generous. For a long time I blamed my childhood on other areas of my life where things were not up to snuff. Once I was a bit older, and I use the world older loosely here; I was in a perpetual stage of anger. Anger at what I should have had as a child, anger at my lot in life, and anger at myself. The anger with myself was mostly because I considered myself unworthy of those things I envied in other people and their families.
I went on living a life fueled by anger. I pushed good people out of my life because I labeled them as too good for me. I kept thugs, hustlers, and bad boys right up under my arm. See, this type of person is after the same thing you are– acquaintance without ties and obligations. I searched for freedom through a lifestyle of dashes of liquor and long nights. It did not work, I was still questioning my existence. In case you have yet to guess, I didn’t get very far but I did my damn best to exhaust the use of anger. Finally, I gave in throwing my hands up and just saying, “Feck it all.” For those contemplating a life of anger– don’t bother, it’s highly overrated.
At some point I noticed I was not growing. I was an emotional child trapped in an adult body. So I did what I thought would save me- I dove into every religion I could trying to find out the purpose of life when you come from the place I had. To be quite honest, I learned a lot, however; none of it answered sufficiently my wish to find the purpose of, or rather, my purpose in life. I did use what I learned to re-evaluate many of my actions and life choices, so in many respects this soul-searching wasn’t for naught. I also learned something I value highly to this day. Religion is not for me because truth has more than one door. I have opted for an eclectic mix of many teachings which make up my personal religion, better known as spirituality.
Once I quit putting my hopes in religion and books, questioning my childhood, and being someone I wasn’t meant to be and just began to try to see my life through the eyes of others; it dawned on me that my life was two things, divine and chaotic. The two complement and compete with one another. I realized that the idea of the perfect life was a fantasy. I decided I will be content with the life I been given–one of divine chaos. I found that I could empathize with almost any book, movie, situation, or person due to my past. I could laugh and relate to the chaos and I could see the divine spark of intention and potential in myself and others.
I am a fractal. A fractal is a curve or geometric figure, each part has the same statistical character as the whole. I began to realize that I am the essence behind the questioning voice in my head. That the sum of who I am is not greater than parts of me, good or bad, that comprise my being. That up close, like a fractal, I look a hot, chaotic, mess but from above the whole picture is attained and my real beauty is seen. So I accepted my lot because I can now, and because it is who I am.
So now, I have embraced both the Divine and the Chaos in my life. Please, do the same….
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